Stop and Smell the People

Gone… but not forgotten

Mary Wheat and her husband Brian had been planning a vacation to Yellowstone National Park for some time. It was all set… when their world went to hell. Two men showed up at their door to tell them, their son Bob had been killed.

I’ve said this a hundred times before: there is no pain like the pain parents feel when their child dies. It doesn’t matter if that

child dies at birth or at age 35, it’s a pain that never goes away.

On June 29, 2009, Robert Bittiker, a soldier and a family man, was killed by an improvised explosive device (IED) in Baghdad.

Last August I wrote a story about another soldier who died in that same explosion, Carlos Baldeosingh. I hadn’t planned on writing about the other soldiers who died alongside Carlos. Yet here I am, talking to Robert Bittiker’s mother. It’s just an odd coincidence.

So where do you go for healing when your son is killed? Where is there enough comfort to ease your pain? Heaven I suppose.

Mary and Brian struggled through the funeral. After the funeral and burial was a great big nothing. Just quiet, empty sadness. In that sadness they considered canceling their vacation. Why go? We’re a mess emotionally? Why waste a perfectly good vacation on two broken hearts?

They talked and decided that getting away from Eastern North Carolina is just what they needed. Break the routine. Breathe some different air. Wake up in a new place.

It was right about then Mary remembered another mom, Patty Dessens, who had lost a son to the war. Patty used photos of her son to create sort of a “living” memorial. Mary wondered if doing something similar would be a way of grieving and honoring her own son at the same time. So Mary wrote down Bob’s bio, attached it to his photo and had a bunch of them reproduced and laminated. On the back of the photo Mary put, “…take this photo and move it someplace special to you…”.

All the way from the Badlands of South Dakota to the Rockies Mary and her husband left photos of Bob. One at the base of a waterfall. One at a lake. He loved to fish. Another at a scenic overlook. Somehow it was healing for them.

But what happened after they got home was truly remarkable… Mary started getting e-mails from total strangers who had picked up a photo, read Bob’s bio and then took him with them on vacation. Photos and letters poured in from around the country. Robert Bittiker was on a bunch road trips.

One woman wrote to Mary how she was at a political rally in Chicago where another woman held up Bob’s picture and read the back of it into a microphone…

“Mary and Brian, I was moved by your son’s story and I don’t think I will ever forget that moment the card was read to us. God bless your son and your family. Annmarie Ortega, Chicago.”

Another mom found Bob in the Teton’s…

“Mary & Brian, we carried it with us to Grand Teton National Park and placed at a scenic overlook there. Another couple

took it right away. I don’t know where it is headed but hopefully someone will let you know. Both of you will be in my prayers. I’m a Vietnam vet and lost a lot of comrades so I can relate a little bit. I have a granddaughter that has been battling Cystic Fibrosis for over 11 years and know we will lose her at some point in the future. When I get home from traveling I plan to make some laminated photos of her to leave places. I think that was a great idea. Jim Griffing, Whitehall, MI.”

This couple took Bob home with them…

“Dear Mary and Brian, let me first tell you how sorry we are for the loss of your son, and how grateful we are for his service to our country and to us, people he never knew.  It is our loss that we never met him but we feel joined to him, having found his

photo.   I applaud your creativity and feel your deep love and loss. Since we found his photo on our anniversary we are going

to take it to the College of the Ozarks, Point Lookout, Mo. and place it in the chapel where we got married 42 years ago. With sincere respect and love, Marie and Jerry Wheatley, Springfield, MO.”

On June 29, 2009, in a place most of us will never see, Robert Bittiker’s body died. But months later, his memory is connecting total strangers one with another… and touching people’s lives… MR

PS. Be part of the Wave of Gratitude to our troops at Noon EST, Tuesday November 24. Tell all your friends to change their status on FB and twitter to some simple words of thanks to our troops and their families.