Stop and Smell the People

Baby Diaries: Preggo decorates for the holidays!

Welcome to a long overdue installment of Anna’s “Baby Diaries.” Here’s how these work: Anna writes them and I get to add my 2-cents wherever I like. My thoughts will be in [brackets and bold]. Enjoy…

Baby Diaries: Preggo decorates for the holidays!

You don’t often realize you are a lunatic in the moment, especially when you are six months pregnant. Just ask my friend Liz. Last year she was pregnant too. Not only did she address all of 2008’s Christmas cards, but she also addressed 2009’s! (Because, duh! Obviously she would be too busy with a baby and everything that had to be done before the baby was born!) [Welcome to my world.] As for me, this time last year, I could only think about one thing and one thing only! It wasn’t Christmas cards. [Again? Sweetie, a man my age has to pace himself. This is how we got pregnant in the first place!]

But, the thought antagonized me every time I went up and down the stairs… [She just can't resist me.] It’s the banister. It’s so bare. [Oh.] It needs a garland. [Crap. This is not going to be the night I was hoping for.] Not just any garland, but a magnolia garland. And not just any magnolia garland but a home made magnolia garland.

Only problem? We don’t have any magnolia trees in our yard.

I use the word ‘problem’ loosely because for Preggos, there are no problems…. I mean seriously, these are just things to add to Mike’s ‘To Do’ list! [Wait. Here’s where I say, “Welcome to my world.”]

“Hon?” Surely he knows what’s coming. This is how all of my requests begin with one word ‘Hon.’ [Requests? The question mark at the end of her sentences is merely formality.]

“Yes?” he replies. I don’t even know why he answers. He should really just run for his life! [Thanks for the tip.]

“Um… well… I want to make a magnolia garland for the staircase banister.”

“That sounds beautiful.” He wouldn’t say that if he knew where this was headed. [I knew. I was lying.]…

“Oh. I am so glad you think so. Um. I have plenty of twine and paddle wire… ummm… the only thing I don’t have is magnolia fronds.”

Mike stops but doesn’t look at me. I can tell that as his posture stiffens, he’s starting to get it.

I continue. “So, I was thinking, that after the sun goes down, you could put on some dark clothes and go out and get me some magnolia clippings.” I deliver this news like I’ve just asked him to go to the grocery store for milk. “I’ve put the two garbage bags you’ll need and some clippers right by the door. Do you think you’ll need gloves?”

He looks at me like I am certifiable. I rub my belly. [Fatty.]

“Anna! Where do you suppose I am going to get these magnolia clippings?”

“What do you mean?” I feign incredulity. “ There are magnolia trees across the street at the community center and I’ve seen several magnolia trees up and down our block!”

“Yes, Anna. I have seen them too,” he says stoically, “but NONE OF THEM are in our yard!”

I turn to look at him. “Well, that’s why I said you should go after sunset and wear dark clothes.” I walked away and started straightening the kitchen to reinforce that this was no big deal.

Mike walks into the kitchen. “Let me get this straight. You want me to steal magnolia branches for a Christmas garland?”

“No, not branches. Just clip off the ends. It’s like you are donating your pruning services.”

He says some more stuff under his breath and I go about my business. As day turns to dusk, I spread a drop cloth over my work area, careful to make sure that I can see the TV from the work area. I am going to need to catch a Lifetime Christmas movie while I work to really get into the spirit of things. [Welcome to my… never mind.]

Mike walks into the living room, “I really don’t think this is a good idea. I’m sorry.”

“Here,” I say, “let me go with you. People will think we are a nice pregnant couple out for a walk.”

I bundle up and we head out the door. I hold tightly to Mike’s hand as we walk down the sidewalk, approaching our target: an entire row of magnolia trees.

“You hold the bag open,” I offer, “and I’ll clip!”

Just then a car goes by. I leap behind the trees so nobody sees me! There’s my husband, dressed in black with clippers and a trash bag as the headlights illuminate him from head to toe.

“Hide,” I scream!

He growls through gritted teeth, “I am not going to hide!” [I should just take the clippers and cut off both my… never mind]

The car passes by and doesn’t stop.

“Hon,” I say, “This is making me nervous. I am going inside. Remember you need to fill both trash bags.” It’s amazing because somehow my pregnancy makes me completely immune to his ‘What the?’ stare. I scurry [waddle] back to the house.

The house is bursting with Christmas cheer. It glows from inside to out, decked with fresh cypress garland, wreathes, bows and burning candles. The carols are blaring. On Lifetime, a family is breaking up just before Christmas Eve. I have it all arranged. To my right is a huge pile of pinecones Mike brought back for me from the coast over the

summer. They will be perfect wired into the garland. All I need now are the magnolia fronds.

The front door opens. “Awesome!” I say, “you can drop them right here!”

Mike plops the bags of magnolia down and I start wiring the bunches of magnolia to twine. [I’d like to apologize to all my old neighbors in Baxter Village. But I’d rather steal your magnolias than have my wife going on and on and on and on about the naked banister.]

A couple of hours later… 12 feet of a chunky scrumptious magnolia garland are ready to be hung on the banister with care! As I weave wired holiday ribbon through the shiny green leaves, I look over at the most patient and indulgent husband in the world. I really love that man. Okay, the garland’s finished! Onto the next project.

“Hon?” I start.

This time he pretends not to hear me!

Merry Christmas to SASTP Nation! Anna & Mike